Wednesday, December 10, 2008
One Month and Still Going Strong
It's hard to believe that a month has already gone by since my cancer diagnosis. It seems like yesterday and so far away at the same time. I just can't believe how much has happened in a month since I received the phone call. At the time, I was very upset about the diagnosis, but now I see cancer in a completely different light. I don't look at cancer as a bad thing (although it is), instead I try to look at the positive side of cancer and believe it or not so far I actually see more positives then negatives. As I was getting my second treatment today, I was a little annoyed at first that I had to take 4 hours of my day to have chemo administered. I had a lot of work to do and I knew it would just be piling up even more as I sat there. Then I realized that I need to look at this time as a blessing because every day I am so busy that I never get time to sit down and relax. I am either working, taking care of the girls and Ben, cleaning the house, shopping, running around doing errands.... So I decided chemo time is my time and once I decided that I felt great! What I have learned in my time at chemo is that I have the most incredible friends in the world and the best father-in-law anyone could ever ask for. Three of my friends came to visit me and I received several calls from others. I love spending time with my friends and it is so nice because at chemo there are no distractions so I learn more about my friends then I ever had before. Also, the bond I have now with my father-in-law is amazing, he has committed to going to every treatment with me and has helped Ben and I several times with watching the kids so we could have some adult time. So as I see it if it weren't for the cancer, I wouldn't have had these opportunities or my cute new haircut :)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Hit Me Baby One More Time
For those that have known me since my college years or attended my bachelorette party or wedding, you know that I was a Britney Spears fan. It seems like just yesterday that I was dancing at 511 (my college house) to "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and that was nearly 10 years ago. Believe it or not, since then Britney and I have followed somewhat parallel paths...we were both married the same year, had our first babies the same year and our second babies weren't too far off. And as I was sitting at Susan's Special Needs shop, I realized that very soon I would have one more thing in common with the pop princess.
My doctor had warned me that my hair would fall out "like clockwork" on day 14. On day 13, I still had no sign of the impending hair loss and for a brief moment naively thought "maybe I will be one of the lucky few." As I thought that I wondered if that is what everyone else thinks on day 13 and then the next day they wake up without their hair. Sure enough, when day 14 arrived my hair started to fall out. It wasn't like I woke up and all the hair was on my pillow, but I could see it coming out more than usual in the shower and when I brushed my hair. No one else would notice, but I noticed. Day 14 was also the day I had my chemo port put in. It was one of the days that no matter what-I couldn't avoid the fact that I have cancer. The majority of the time I try to live life as normal as possible and I go to work, come home play with the girls and talk to Ben about our day--and we never discuss the cancer. I prefer these days because I don't want to waste my valuable time dwelling on the fact that I have cancer. Wednesday, I couldn't stand that the realization of the cancer was back. I had just had two weeks off from chemo and for about a week I was feeling 100% again. Now, I was losing my hair and going in to have a port surgically attached to a vein so that it would be easier to administer the chemo and everyone was talking about the cancer. After I woke up from the sedation I told my mom that I wanted to go shopping. I hate wasting time and going home and staring at a TV was just not what I wanted to do. So I convinced my mom that I felt great and could walk through the Village of Rochester and go in a few stores. I had no pain in my arm because of the IV pain meds so I went into a few stores and then we went to lunch (I hadn't eaten all day) and then we headed home. When I got home, the pain had finely hit and only then did I realize that I probably should have come straight home, but honestly if I had to do it all over again I would have done the same thing. I don't want to feel like cancer is slowing me down or taking time away from me. (I quickly recovered from the pain and I went back to work the next day and had a big weekend of ballet class, hosting a parent group party and picking out our Christmas tree.)
By Friday, it was clear to me that my hair loss was dramatically increasing and would become noticeable to others very soon. Plus, it is a little disconcerting to see so much hair falling to the ground every time you run a brush through it. Instead of letting my hair continue to fall out and wondering when I would wake up one morning and have none, I decided to take matters into my own hands and go and get it shaved off. I had made an appointment the day before at Susan's shop (Susan is also a breast cancer survivor.) I was confident that I was making the right decision and as I was sitting in the chair and facing the wall, I felt empowered-like I had finally taken the control away from the cancer. As she shaved my head and I saw the long strands of hair fall to the ground, I didn't think about the 29+ years that I have had long hair (except for when I was in 2nd grade and told the stylist I wanted layers and she gave me a pixie cut--I was traumitized and vowed I would never let anyone cut my hair short again), I thought I wonder what my head will be shaped like or if I would have any scars or imperfections on my scalp. The stylist said I am surprised how strong you are being, many women cry when they go through this. I didn't think I was being strong, but when she said it I realized I didn't have the attachment to my hair that I thought I would. I wasn't sad to lose my hair. In fact, I was a little excited because I couldn't wait to see what I would look like. And as I whipped my chair around to look in the mirror for the first time-I actually liked what I saw. No I didn't have my long locks, but when I looked in the mirror I saw a fighter and a survivor with a perfectly round head and no scars! I felt like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane and it made me feel stronger than ever--no one would mess with me now. I could finally understand why Britney shaved off her hair. After she shaved my head, she put the wig on that I had picked out a few weeks earlier and I loved it. It's shorter than I have ever went, but I wanted something different and I figure it would be less maintenance and less drastic when my hair starts coming back.
As soon as I got home Ava said "Mommy, I love your haircut" and Kalyn ran into my arms and I breathed a sigh of relief because as everyone knows kids always tell the truth. And then, life went on as usual....
My doctor had warned me that my hair would fall out "like clockwork" on day 14. On day 13, I still had no sign of the impending hair loss and for a brief moment naively thought "maybe I will be one of the lucky few." As I thought that I wondered if that is what everyone else thinks on day 13 and then the next day they wake up without their hair. Sure enough, when day 14 arrived my hair started to fall out. It wasn't like I woke up and all the hair was on my pillow, but I could see it coming out more than usual in the shower and when I brushed my hair. No one else would notice, but I noticed. Day 14 was also the day I had my chemo port put in. It was one of the days that no matter what-I couldn't avoid the fact that I have cancer. The majority of the time I try to live life as normal as possible and I go to work, come home play with the girls and talk to Ben about our day--and we never discuss the cancer. I prefer these days because I don't want to waste my valuable time dwelling on the fact that I have cancer. Wednesday, I couldn't stand that the realization of the cancer was back. I had just had two weeks off from chemo and for about a week I was feeling 100% again. Now, I was losing my hair and going in to have a port surgically attached to a vein so that it would be easier to administer the chemo and everyone was talking about the cancer. After I woke up from the sedation I told my mom that I wanted to go shopping. I hate wasting time and going home and staring at a TV was just not what I wanted to do. So I convinced my mom that I felt great and could walk through the Village of Rochester and go in a few stores. I had no pain in my arm because of the IV pain meds so I went into a few stores and then we went to lunch (I hadn't eaten all day) and then we headed home. When I got home, the pain had finely hit and only then did I realize that I probably should have come straight home, but honestly if I had to do it all over again I would have done the same thing. I don't want to feel like cancer is slowing me down or taking time away from me. (I quickly recovered from the pain and I went back to work the next day and had a big weekend of ballet class, hosting a parent group party and picking out our Christmas tree.)
By Friday, it was clear to me that my hair loss was dramatically increasing and would become noticeable to others very soon. Plus, it is a little disconcerting to see so much hair falling to the ground every time you run a brush through it. Instead of letting my hair continue to fall out and wondering when I would wake up one morning and have none, I decided to take matters into my own hands and go and get it shaved off. I had made an appointment the day before at Susan's shop (Susan is also a breast cancer survivor.) I was confident that I was making the right decision and as I was sitting in the chair and facing the wall, I felt empowered-like I had finally taken the control away from the cancer. As she shaved my head and I saw the long strands of hair fall to the ground, I didn't think about the 29+ years that I have had long hair (except for when I was in 2nd grade and told the stylist I wanted layers and she gave me a pixie cut--I was traumitized and vowed I would never let anyone cut my hair short again), I thought I wonder what my head will be shaped like or if I would have any scars or imperfections on my scalp. The stylist said I am surprised how strong you are being, many women cry when they go through this. I didn't think I was being strong, but when she said it I realized I didn't have the attachment to my hair that I thought I would. I wasn't sad to lose my hair. In fact, I was a little excited because I couldn't wait to see what I would look like. And as I whipped my chair around to look in the mirror for the first time-I actually liked what I saw. No I didn't have my long locks, but when I looked in the mirror I saw a fighter and a survivor with a perfectly round head and no scars! I felt like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane and it made me feel stronger than ever--no one would mess with me now. I could finally understand why Britney shaved off her hair. After she shaved my head, she put the wig on that I had picked out a few weeks earlier and I loved it. It's shorter than I have ever went, but I wanted something different and I figure it would be less maintenance and less drastic when my hair starts coming back.
As soon as I got home Ava said "Mommy, I love your haircut" and Kalyn ran into my arms and I breathed a sigh of relief because as everyone knows kids always tell the truth. And then, life went on as usual....
Monday, December 1, 2008
Lots to be thankf ul for
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love the tradition of all the family getting together and thinking about all the things in the past year that we have to be thankful for. It is so fun seeing my two little girls get into the holiday. My mom said to Ava, "We have to go sit down, the turkey is coming out of the oven." And Ava looked at my mom in amazement and said "A turkey is going to come out of the oven." She thought a live "gobble, gobble" would be walking around for our Thanksgiving. I was laughing so hard. I also love that my little girls enjoy the Thanksgiving feast as much as I do. Turkey, potatoes and stuffing are my favorite and Kalyn discovered Thanksgiving food is her favorite too (although for all those that have seen Kalyn eat, you know she is not a picky eater.)
As I look back on the past year, I really have so much to be thankful for. I had another beautiful daughter, Ava is getting out of the "terrible twos" and is officially potty trained, Ben got an amazing job and is so happy, we sold our house and we bought our dream house where we will make new traditions of our own. I am even thankful for the cancer because it has given me a new perspective on life and makes me appreciate everything I have so much more. At 31, I really have everything I have ever wanted and I believe every day I have is a gift from God. Time is all I want and need now. It was the first thing I realized when I was diagnosed. Every day I have with my family makes me feel like the richest person in the world because even if I had a million dollars I would give it all back in a heartbeat if I could just have one more minute with my family-to see the smiles on my girls faces, my husband's beautiful brown eyes, to hear my dad's fishing adventures, or my mom's advice, to hear my Pappy tell me stories of when I was little or my Grandma Corey tell me about her little "angel girls", to talk "girl talk" with my Grandma Nancy and with my sister-in-law Megan, and to have Ben's dad (my dad too) make me laugh until I cry. I have been fortunate to have all my prayers answered and I just have one left, just give me the time to enjoy all that I have been blessed with.
Our family pictures were posted so if you get a chance go to http://www.hrphotodesign.com/ and go to Spencer under clients. Our password is Girls. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
As I look back on the past year, I really have so much to be thankful for. I had another beautiful daughter, Ava is getting out of the "terrible twos" and is officially potty trained, Ben got an amazing job and is so happy, we sold our house and we bought our dream house where we will make new traditions of our own. I am even thankful for the cancer because it has given me a new perspective on life and makes me appreciate everything I have so much more. At 31, I really have everything I have ever wanted and I believe every day I have is a gift from God. Time is all I want and need now. It was the first thing I realized when I was diagnosed. Every day I have with my family makes me feel like the richest person in the world because even if I had a million dollars I would give it all back in a heartbeat if I could just have one more minute with my family-to see the smiles on my girls faces, my husband's beautiful brown eyes, to hear my dad's fishing adventures, or my mom's advice, to hear my Pappy tell me stories of when I was little or my Grandma Corey tell me about her little "angel girls", to talk "girl talk" with my Grandma Nancy and with my sister-in-law Megan, and to have Ben's dad (my dad too) make me laugh until I cry. I have been fortunate to have all my prayers answered and I just have one left, just give me the time to enjoy all that I have been blessed with.
Our family pictures were posted so if you get a chance go to http://www.hrphotodesign.com/ and go to Spencer under clients. Our password is Girls. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Good News!
Thank you for everyone's prayers. They are being answered. Last Friday, I had two biopsies done-one on my lymph node and another suspicious spot next to the cancer. Both biopsies came back negative, which is wonderful news because we now don't believe the cancer is as aggressive as we once thought. I think it stumped the doctors because I was told by three of them that the lymph node was for sure positive (two separate tests both say negative.) Thank you God for this great news. I was elated when I found out yesterday. I will have one more biopsy on Monday on another area and possibly testing of additional lymph nodes the following week, but for now I am just thankful for the blessings that God has already given me. Please continue to pray that my future biopsies will also be negative.
I am still feeling pretty good after the chemo. Just a slight headache, but the fatigue hasn't set in yet and as long as I eat regularly I still feel like myself. It hasn't slowed me down yet! I even went to Tina Turner on Thursday night for my friend Liz's 30th birthday. What fun!
We had our family Christmas pictures taken yesterday at home and that was an adventure as always and very comical. For those who have ever wrangled a one year old and almost 3 year old, you know how challenging/exhausting it can be. I hope we ended up with at least one family shot where we were all looking at the camera. I do know we got some wonderful candid shots of the girls and these are always my favorite. I was thankful that I had someone that came to our home to take the pictures rather than having to go to one of the places in the mall . They should be up in the next few days and I will include the link in this blog.
Thank you again for all your prayers and support!
I am still feeling pretty good after the chemo. Just a slight headache, but the fatigue hasn't set in yet and as long as I eat regularly I still feel like myself. It hasn't slowed me down yet! I even went to Tina Turner on Thursday night for my friend Liz's 30th birthday. What fun!
We had our family Christmas pictures taken yesterday at home and that was an adventure as always and very comical. For those who have ever wrangled a one year old and almost 3 year old, you know how challenging/exhausting it can be. I hope we ended up with at least one family shot where we were all looking at the camera. I do know we got some wonderful candid shots of the girls and these are always my favorite. I was thankful that I had someone that came to our home to take the pictures rather than having to go to one of the places in the mall . They should be up in the next few days and I will include the link in this blog.
Thank you again for all your prayers and support!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
What a day...
Last night I felt a little ambivalent about starting treatment so soon, but when I woke up I said a prayer to God and basically said I have too much going on and too much to do so I am going to let you handle the cancer and I know you will guide me in the right direction. After that prayer, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. God gave me little angels all day to remind me that he was with me. I got up around 6:30 am and began my day. I originally hadn't planned on waking the girls before I left because they don't usually get up until closer to 7:30, but Ava got up a few minutes before 7 and then immediately went and woke up Kalyn. It was one of the first times I was glad she did. It was so great to get some last minute snuggling and kisses in before I headed off for a busy day.
At 7:30, I arrived for my Bone Scan at Troy Beaumont and met Vadim, who was the Radioactive Specialist and he born in the Soviet Union and then came to the US when he was 21. He was a really nice man and told me about an experience about how he had lost part of his hearing when he was younger. As he got got older he was so depressed that he had to go so long without hearing, but when he started working at the hospital he realized that there were people all around him (including his nurse friends who had excruciating migraines) that he realized his condition was minor in comparison. His basic morale to the story was no matter what you have, someone always has something worse and be thankful that you are still as healthy as you are. Everybody has something going on with them.
As I was waiting the two hours for the radioactive solution to go through my body, my colleague and friend Amy sent me a devotional she received in the morning. It was so appropriate for what I am going through and went right along with the prayer I said in the morning.
I’m Letting Go
by Francesca Battistelli
I’m letting go of the life I planned for me
and my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling
and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
When you choose to believe in God and make him the center of your life, you make the decision to let him guide you. You are telling God that you want his dreams, desires, and goals for your life, not your own. It’s like handing over your dearest possessions and trusting that the person you give them to will make something even greater out of them than what they already are. But there is always the nagging worry, “What if he doesn’t do what I wanted with them?” And that is why faith can be terrifying. Our culture tells people that faith is useless and that you should run after your dreams, even if it means stomping on others along the way. But God’s plans are better than we can possibly imagine. He promises that he will take our desires and make them into something far more valuable and beautiful than we can ever imagine. You may not always understand where he is leading you, but he promises that he will lovingly take care of you.
Psalm 32:8
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."
After the bone scan, I headed for the CT scan and waited another 1 1/2 while another solution I drank went through my body. When I finally went in for the scan, the technician said "I had a young friend your age that went through this four years ago and is cancer free and doing great now. I know you will get through this." It is always nice to hear wonderful survivor stories. I know I will be telling mine in a few years and hope that someday I can help others that are going through this.
After the CT Scan (it was only a 10 minute test), I went to grab a quick bite to eat at Panera Bread (my last meal before chemo) because I hadn't been able to eat all day. It was nice to just sit down for a little while between the tests and chemo and absorb everything. I was glad to have a little moment to myself in a non-hospital environment. After I headed to Royal Oak Beaumont and up to my doctor's office. I was only there about 5 minutes and then Ben and Ben's dad (he's my dad now too!) came up and pretty quickly we went back to see Dr. Margolis. I asked all the questions I wanted to ask--most pretty silly like "Can I still kiss my girls" Response "You Better", "Can I have a glass of wine once in a while." Response "If the wine tastes bad, and beer tastes good, then drink a beer." "Can I travel by airplane" Response "If you go the day after treatment and stay for two weeks." Needless to say I really like my doctor and he said I want you to go on with your normal life as much as you can--it's important that you are still you. I just have to make sure that I don't overdo it and that I rest because I will get tired (although it is 11 PM and I still feel great!) I also asked him about the results from all my tests and he should have them tomorrow so please pray that the bone scan, CT scan and lymph node biopsy are negative.
Then he escorted me down to the chemo room. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.... I thought I would get a little area to myself and have my chemo. I wasn't expecting a room to myself, but maybe a curtained off area with someone giving me massages and painting my toenails :) Instead I was basically in a room that was like a nail salon with all the chairs on one wall and you pick a Recliner chair sit in it and the nurse comes over and gets your treatments started. At first, I was a little shocked by the whole thing because you are in one of your most vulnerable moments in front of everyone else, but what I realized is that they are also in their most vulnerable moment and instantly I have a common bond with them. It was actually sort of like group therapy and I now know my life will be intertwined with many of the other patients as we go through our treatments. As the nurse said "We're now family."
One man in particular stood out because he reminded me of my Grandpa who died a few weeks after Ava was born (he had also battled cancer.) The nurse was poking me several times with the needle and then the other nurse came over and said jokingly "This is her first day...we don't want her running out of here before she gets started." The man started laughing this infectious laugh just like my Grandpa would and I just had to look at him and smile and then he said "I'm sorry, I just love to laugh" and we both laughed. He was a joker the whole time and it was great to see someone else that is so positive about everything. At the end the nurse said to him alright your ready to go and he said to her "You don't even know my name" and then he said "It's D-O-N. Don." That's my Grandpa's name. I hope I see him again at another treatment-it was really a bright spot in my day.
I am so blessed to have the most amazing friends and family. I had a little entourage at the Chemo area--it made me feel great. Ben and Ben's dad had met me before I started and then right when I started getting the medicine, my friend's Joey and Melissa stopped by and brought me magazines and a pair of slippers (all the nurses wanted them.) It didn't even feel like a chemo session because the whole time I was laughing and talking. They had told me I would get a headache after one of the drugs, but knock on wood still no headache (I think because I completely forgot that was a side effect until she reminded me again at the end.)
I have tears in my eyes because of how blessed I am and it isn't as though I didn't realize it before, I just don't think I appreciated it as much as I do now. I have received so many wonderful calls, emails, cards and I know I am getting a lot of prayers because I feel so great. As I was telling my girlfriend Joey, I hope someday I can repay everyone for everything they have given me --hopefully for joyful fun times--like when you need help party planning--because I really don't want anyone else to have to go through this and I love planning fun parties.
God sent me one more angel this week, Diane. Diane is the girlfriend of one of Ben's colleagues and as soon as she heard my story she wanted to call me right away. She was in her 30's when she was diagnosed and just got done with treatments about 2 years ago. I talked to her last night and she completely put my mind at ease about everything. It was so nice to talk to someone to ask some questions you don't always feel comfortable asking your doctor. She even stopped by my chemo treatment today after work to offer support and comfort and to ease my fears about getting a port put in--I know it is minor in the grand scheme, but I'm still taking baby steps :) She is going to be a great resource and friend and said she will help me battle this every step of the way. As I mentioned earlier, I hope to be like her one day and offer my support to others--I can't wait.
Through this journey, I am meeting all kinds of wonderful people from Susan at the Wig shop (who called me today to check in) to Don at chemo and as my girlfriend Alicia who is also battling cancer recently mentioned--you always wonder what effect you have on other people because of how other people effect you. I look at life completely differently and I always smile at everyone and ask them how they are doing (even the nurses and doctors.) Really everyone I meet now leaves a lasting imprint and I am a better person because of it.
At 7:30, I arrived for my Bone Scan at Troy Beaumont and met Vadim, who was the Radioactive Specialist and he born in the Soviet Union and then came to the US when he was 21. He was a really nice man and told me about an experience about how he had lost part of his hearing when he was younger. As he got got older he was so depressed that he had to go so long without hearing, but when he started working at the hospital he realized that there were people all around him (including his nurse friends who had excruciating migraines) that he realized his condition was minor in comparison. His basic morale to the story was no matter what you have, someone always has something worse and be thankful that you are still as healthy as you are. Everybody has something going on with them.
As I was waiting the two hours for the radioactive solution to go through my body, my colleague and friend Amy sent me a devotional she received in the morning. It was so appropriate for what I am going through and went right along with the prayer I said in the morning.
I’m Letting Go
by Francesca Battistelli
I’m letting go of the life I planned for me
and my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling
and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
When you choose to believe in God and make him the center of your life, you make the decision to let him guide you. You are telling God that you want his dreams, desires, and goals for your life, not your own. It’s like handing over your dearest possessions and trusting that the person you give them to will make something even greater out of them than what they already are. But there is always the nagging worry, “What if he doesn’t do what I wanted with them?” And that is why faith can be terrifying. Our culture tells people that faith is useless and that you should run after your dreams, even if it means stomping on others along the way. But God’s plans are better than we can possibly imagine. He promises that he will take our desires and make them into something far more valuable and beautiful than we can ever imagine. You may not always understand where he is leading you, but he promises that he will lovingly take care of you.
Psalm 32:8
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."
After the bone scan, I headed for the CT scan and waited another 1 1/2 while another solution I drank went through my body. When I finally went in for the scan, the technician said "I had a young friend your age that went through this four years ago and is cancer free and doing great now. I know you will get through this." It is always nice to hear wonderful survivor stories. I know I will be telling mine in a few years and hope that someday I can help others that are going through this.
After the CT Scan (it was only a 10 minute test), I went to grab a quick bite to eat at Panera Bread (my last meal before chemo) because I hadn't been able to eat all day. It was nice to just sit down for a little while between the tests and chemo and absorb everything. I was glad to have a little moment to myself in a non-hospital environment. After I headed to Royal Oak Beaumont and up to my doctor's office. I was only there about 5 minutes and then Ben and Ben's dad (he's my dad now too!) came up and pretty quickly we went back to see Dr. Margolis. I asked all the questions I wanted to ask--most pretty silly like "Can I still kiss my girls" Response "You Better", "Can I have a glass of wine once in a while." Response "If the wine tastes bad, and beer tastes good, then drink a beer." "Can I travel by airplane" Response "If you go the day after treatment and stay for two weeks." Needless to say I really like my doctor and he said I want you to go on with your normal life as much as you can--it's important that you are still you. I just have to make sure that I don't overdo it and that I rest because I will get tired (although it is 11 PM and I still feel great!) I also asked him about the results from all my tests and he should have them tomorrow so please pray that the bone scan, CT scan and lymph node biopsy are negative.
Then he escorted me down to the chemo room. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.... I thought I would get a little area to myself and have my chemo. I wasn't expecting a room to myself, but maybe a curtained off area with someone giving me massages and painting my toenails :) Instead I was basically in a room that was like a nail salon with all the chairs on one wall and you pick a Recliner chair sit in it and the nurse comes over and gets your treatments started. At first, I was a little shocked by the whole thing because you are in one of your most vulnerable moments in front of everyone else, but what I realized is that they are also in their most vulnerable moment and instantly I have a common bond with them. It was actually sort of like group therapy and I now know my life will be intertwined with many of the other patients as we go through our treatments. As the nurse said "We're now family."
One man in particular stood out because he reminded me of my Grandpa who died a few weeks after Ava was born (he had also battled cancer.) The nurse was poking me several times with the needle and then the other nurse came over and said jokingly "This is her first day...we don't want her running out of here before she gets started." The man started laughing this infectious laugh just like my Grandpa would and I just had to look at him and smile and then he said "I'm sorry, I just love to laugh" and we both laughed. He was a joker the whole time and it was great to see someone else that is so positive about everything. At the end the nurse said to him alright your ready to go and he said to her "You don't even know my name" and then he said "It's D-O-N. Don." That's my Grandpa's name. I hope I see him again at another treatment-it was really a bright spot in my day.
I am so blessed to have the most amazing friends and family. I had a little entourage at the Chemo area--it made me feel great. Ben and Ben's dad had met me before I started and then right when I started getting the medicine, my friend's Joey and Melissa stopped by and brought me magazines and a pair of slippers (all the nurses wanted them.) It didn't even feel like a chemo session because the whole time I was laughing and talking. They had told me I would get a headache after one of the drugs, but knock on wood still no headache (I think because I completely forgot that was a side effect until she reminded me again at the end.)
I have tears in my eyes because of how blessed I am and it isn't as though I didn't realize it before, I just don't think I appreciated it as much as I do now. I have received so many wonderful calls, emails, cards and I know I am getting a lot of prayers because I feel so great. As I was telling my girlfriend Joey, I hope someday I can repay everyone for everything they have given me --hopefully for joyful fun times--like when you need help party planning--because I really don't want anyone else to have to go through this and I love planning fun parties.
God sent me one more angel this week, Diane. Diane is the girlfriend of one of Ben's colleagues and as soon as she heard my story she wanted to call me right away. She was in her 30's when she was diagnosed and just got done with treatments about 2 years ago. I talked to her last night and she completely put my mind at ease about everything. It was so nice to talk to someone to ask some questions you don't always feel comfortable asking your doctor. She even stopped by my chemo treatment today after work to offer support and comfort and to ease my fears about getting a port put in--I know it is minor in the grand scheme, but I'm still taking baby steps :) She is going to be a great resource and friend and said she will help me battle this every step of the way. As I mentioned earlier, I hope to be like her one day and offer my support to others--I can't wait.
Through this journey, I am meeting all kinds of wonderful people from Susan at the Wig shop (who called me today to check in) to Don at chemo and as my girlfriend Alicia who is also battling cancer recently mentioned--you always wonder what effect you have on other people because of how other people effect you. I look at life completely differently and I always smile at everyone and ask them how they are doing (even the nurses and doctors.) Really everyone I meet now leaves a lasting imprint and I am a better person because of it.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Baby Steps
It's amazing what you can learn from your own children--every day they teach me something and don't even know it. Yesterday, Kalyn took off walking across the entire great room for the first time. It was such a joy to see her go from just taking one and two steps to gaining the confidence to walk across the entire floor. She was so proud of herself as Ben, Ava and I kept encouraging her to walk to us. Ava was probably the most excited and kept yelling "She's walking, Kalyn's Walking." So she is now a walker! Watch out world here comes Kalyn.
At times, I am overcome by what I am about to face. I am glad that I am somewhat naive to all that lies ahead just as I was when I was lying in the MRI tower of terror. I have just been taking every day as it comes...baby steps. I try not to think too far ahead or ask for too many details about the treatments/surgeries because if I do then it seems pretty overwhelming. I am confident that I will get through everything and I know God is putting me in the hands of very capable doctors. Today I decided to schedule my first chemo appointment for Wednesday. I could have waited until Thursday or Friday or probably even next week, but I figure the sooner I get started, the sooner I will get it over with-and the sooner I will be able to start chasing Kalyn again.
At times, I am overcome by what I am about to face. I am glad that I am somewhat naive to all that lies ahead just as I was when I was lying in the MRI tower of terror. I have just been taking every day as it comes...baby steps. I try not to think too far ahead or ask for too many details about the treatments/surgeries because if I do then it seems pretty overwhelming. I am confident that I will get through everything and I know God is putting me in the hands of very capable doctors. Today I decided to schedule my first chemo appointment for Wednesday. I could have waited until Thursday or Friday or probably even next week, but I figure the sooner I get started, the sooner I will get it over with-and the sooner I will be able to start chasing Kalyn again.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
My Cancer Team
I have always enjoyed working in teams and I think it is one of the best ways to tackle any challenge and goal. I am glad that my doctor decided to request a team of doctors get together to review my case yesterday so we ensure that we are following the right path. They sit in a room together and talk about all the different aspects of my case and one by one they come in and review their thoughts with me. I basically have a team of 4 doctors that I will be in constant contact with two breast care specialists/surgeons (one who gave me the diagnosis and one that gave me my second opinion), the medical oncologist (my chemo doc) and a radiology oncologist (he will give me my radiation after surgery.) Each doctor came in one by one asked me what I knew about the plan moving forward and then told me what their plan was. After I met briefly with the surgeon again, my medical oncologist came in and Ben and I liked him right away. He was to the point, but I liked that he said he wanted to take care of all of me. He wasn't just concerned about the now, he was also concerned about my future. He asked me if any of the doctors had told me yet that I would be cured and I said no and he said "We are going to Cure you 100%. I have no doubts." I believe him. We decided to go aggressive on the chemo and to start it before surgery-likely next Wednesday. He said if I can deal with two side effects, he will take care of the rest. Fatigue and losing my hair--absolutely I said (no more shaving my legs as my sister-in-law reminded me! ) He said the anti-nausea medicine he will give me should eliminate any of the sickness that chemo caused in the past. I am glad we have decided to do chemo first because as the doctor mentioned, I can tell right away if it is working or not and if it isn't, I have many diferent combinations and we will just mix it up. If I received chemo after, it would be hard to tell how effective the chemo is since the mass has already been removed. Given my young age, he was also concerned about my fertility and asked me my thoughts on it. I had already decided through discussions with my Ob/Gyn, a fertility nurse, and Ben that we would not delay treatments for fertility puposes. I have been blessed with two of the most beautiful and healthy little girls (my angels as Ava tells me) and I need to be here for them first and foremost. The doctor said that he can give me a shot to suppress the effects the chemo would have on my future fertility so Ben and I decided I would get the shot and we would leave the rest up to God. I know that God knows what is best and if I am to be blessed with future children, then I will. If not, He has already given me the two biggest joys in my life (I really have everything I have ever wanted.)
God also played a part in giving me confidence that this was the right doctor. Last Thursday at work (the day before my diagnosis,) I had actually talked to this doctor about setting him up with our discount ticket program (MyCompanyOffer.) On Monday, I was referred to his office by a family member and when I told the receptionist my situation and that I needed the best, she mentioned his name so I scheduled the first appointment I could with him-next Wednesday was the earliest I could get in. I tried emailing him to see if I could get him to see me earlier (I have learned that you need to be your biggest advocate), but unfortunately his email was full. On Wednesday, when I had my second opinion, the doctor said this is the doctor you have to see and she went out of the room called him right away and said he will be part of your team and you will meet him on Friday. When I met with him yesterday, I told him the story and he laughed and said "You can come to my office for your treatment, get the whole staff set up in your program and get everything done in one day." He has me pegged-I love multi-tasking.
After all my meetings, I sent Ben home to be with the girls as I was scheduled for another ultrasound and biopsy. I headed to lunch for about an hour and and when I got back I found out that they were going to biopsy a different area then we originally had discussed. The MRI results had just come back and showed another smaller mass (so small that no one can feel it) that appeared suspicious. It is very close to the site of the dominant mass and I am pretty sure it will also come back cancer positive. It doesn't really change my initial game plan, it just may change some future procedures. We also biopsied the one enlarged lymph node again and I am still praying it comes back negative.
I left the hospital at about 3:30. It was a long day, but I was glad to get a lot done in one day. I felt pretty good. After all the appointments and shots, I decided that if I am going to start chemo in the next week (I have about a month until my hair will likely start falling out), I will need to get a wig so I went to a place in Ferndale called Susan's Special Needs that was recommended by the doctors and a family member. As soon as I walked in, all my emotions hit me and I thought "Why am I here." I really don't know what it was because I felt fine right before I walked in. A lovely lady named Susan walked right up to me and held my hand as I sobbed and said "I just don't know why I am here, I am only 31." and she hugged me and said "I want you to know that I am a survivor" and she put my hand on her chest and said "I have been cancer free for 17 years and I was young too when I was diagnosed. I had a three year old at the time." She immediately put me at ease and I reassured her that I was ready. Let the fun begin! Trying on wigs is honestly one of the most fun things I have done in a long time. I have always wanted to try on new hair styles and it was fun to see myself in super long locks and short angled cuts some with red highlights...some with blond highlights. The stylist said they have people that come in all the time without cancer that buy wigs. I believe it--I am actually excited to not have to really do my hair (especially with two young ones) and no more gray. I narrowed it down to a few styles and then I will go back with Ben so he can decide which I should go with. So if I have a mohawk with pink streaks...you'll know why!
God also played a part in giving me confidence that this was the right doctor. Last Thursday at work (the day before my diagnosis,) I had actually talked to this doctor about setting him up with our discount ticket program (MyCompanyOffer.) On Monday, I was referred to his office by a family member and when I told the receptionist my situation and that I needed the best, she mentioned his name so I scheduled the first appointment I could with him-next Wednesday was the earliest I could get in. I tried emailing him to see if I could get him to see me earlier (I have learned that you need to be your biggest advocate), but unfortunately his email was full. On Wednesday, when I had my second opinion, the doctor said this is the doctor you have to see and she went out of the room called him right away and said he will be part of your team and you will meet him on Friday. When I met with him yesterday, I told him the story and he laughed and said "You can come to my office for your treatment, get the whole staff set up in your program and get everything done in one day." He has me pegged-I love multi-tasking.
After all my meetings, I sent Ben home to be with the girls as I was scheduled for another ultrasound and biopsy. I headed to lunch for about an hour and and when I got back I found out that they were going to biopsy a different area then we originally had discussed. The MRI results had just come back and showed another smaller mass (so small that no one can feel it) that appeared suspicious. It is very close to the site of the dominant mass and I am pretty sure it will also come back cancer positive. It doesn't really change my initial game plan, it just may change some future procedures. We also biopsied the one enlarged lymph node again and I am still praying it comes back negative.
I left the hospital at about 3:30. It was a long day, but I was glad to get a lot done in one day. I felt pretty good. After all the appointments and shots, I decided that if I am going to start chemo in the next week (I have about a month until my hair will likely start falling out), I will need to get a wig so I went to a place in Ferndale called Susan's Special Needs that was recommended by the doctors and a family member. As soon as I walked in, all my emotions hit me and I thought "Why am I here." I really don't know what it was because I felt fine right before I walked in. A lovely lady named Susan walked right up to me and held my hand as I sobbed and said "I just don't know why I am here, I am only 31." and she hugged me and said "I want you to know that I am a survivor" and she put my hand on her chest and said "I have been cancer free for 17 years and I was young too when I was diagnosed. I had a three year old at the time." She immediately put me at ease and I reassured her that I was ready. Let the fun begin! Trying on wigs is honestly one of the most fun things I have done in a long time. I have always wanted to try on new hair styles and it was fun to see myself in super long locks and short angled cuts some with red highlights...some with blond highlights. The stylist said they have people that come in all the time without cancer that buy wigs. I believe it--I am actually excited to not have to really do my hair (especially with two young ones) and no more gray. I narrowed it down to a few styles and then I will go back with Ben so he can decide which I should go with. So if I have a mohawk with pink streaks...you'll know why!
Friday, November 14, 2008
I Feel Great
Yesterday I had another mammogram and my first MRI. I think the MRI was the one test that I could barely handle. I didn't feel claustrophobic, but the anticipation of what crazy sound would be blaring through my ears next was a little unnerving.
Overall, I still feel great and positive. I am going to battle this disease with the same tenacity I have used with other challenges in my life.
This morning Ben and I will go to meet my cancer team and we should have a plan in place by the end of the day. I will have another biopsy performed because there were some calcifications that they want to make sure are not also cancer. This will help determine future steps.
Ben and the girls are doing really good. We try to have life as usual when we are around them. They are both such sweet little girls and I love my cuddle time with them. As I mentioned before, they are probably the best medicine I could ever ask for.
Overall, I still feel great and positive. I am going to battle this disease with the same tenacity I have used with other challenges in my life.
This morning Ben and I will go to meet my cancer team and we should have a plan in place by the end of the day. I will have another biopsy performed because there were some calcifications that they want to make sure are not also cancer. This will help determine future steps.
Ben and the girls are doing really good. We try to have life as usual when we are around them. They are both such sweet little girls and I love my cuddle time with them. As I mentioned before, they are probably the best medicine I could ever ask for.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Second Opinion
On Tuesday, I went to my OB/Gyn to make sure I was on the right path. She (like me) was in shock, but we were both thankful that we didn't listen to the radiologist and that I ended up having a biopsy. She calmed my fears about everything and she recommended I see another doctor that is in the same practice as the doctor that delivered the news. Fortunately, I already had an appointment with this doctor for Wednesday (my current doctor also provided her name when I asked for a second opinion.) When I went to the doctor's office, there were people waiting in the waiting area, but the receptionist said you don't need to check in just come in and sit down and the doctor will be right with you. I didn't know if this was good or bad. Then, the doctor came in and basically we put a quick plan in place in about 30 minutes. Instead of waiting until next week to see all the doctors (medical oncologist, radiation oncologist, etc.), I will see them all on Friday at once and she assured me I would have the best. I have multiple small calcifications on the same side as the cancer so I have an MRI and more mammagrams today--depending on those results I will likely need to have more biopsies. She also wants me to start chemo by Wednesday of next week. I was thankful that we were able to put a plan in place--I think waiting is one of the hardest things for me. I don't know yet how aggressive my cancer is, I don't know for sure if it has gone into my lymph nodes. The doctor says we would treat you the same way even if it has and she believes the one swollen lymph node is cancer positive (even though the needle test came back negative.)
I guess I will know more on Friday and I just pray to God that He will let me be healed completely this year. My faith is what will keep me strong through this. My dear friend Liz is one of my many angels on earth and her dad is a Pastor (he said the blessing at our reception.) I work with Liz and she has been with me through every announcement-engagement, wedding, babies, and now unfortunately cancer. We have another dear friend of ours that is also going through cancer. I went to Liz because I know she has very strong faith and yesterday she put a very sweet note on my desk with the following scripture.
Scripture Jeremiah 29:11:
"I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
This is the perfect scripture and just what I needed. I will read it every day.
I still haven't shared this blog with any family or friends yet. I haven't really told any of my friends yet because I don't really know what to say. I wish I could tell everyone in person, but I know that isn't going to be possible with how quickly we are moving. I am thankful that I was able to have a wonderful weekend with many of my friends a few weeks ago when we went wine tasting and I plan to go again next year too.
I guess I will know more on Friday and I just pray to God that He will let me be healed completely this year. My faith is what will keep me strong through this. My dear friend Liz is one of my many angels on earth and her dad is a Pastor (he said the blessing at our reception.) I work with Liz and she has been with me through every announcement-engagement, wedding, babies, and now unfortunately cancer. We have another dear friend of ours that is also going through cancer. I went to Liz because I know she has very strong faith and yesterday she put a very sweet note on my desk with the following scripture.
Scripture Jeremiah 29:11:
"I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
This is the perfect scripture and just what I needed. I will read it every day.
I still haven't shared this blog with any family or friends yet. I haven't really told any of my friends yet because I don't really know what to say. I wish I could tell everyone in person, but I know that isn't going to be possible with how quickly we are moving. I am thankful that I was able to have a wonderful weekend with many of my friends a few weeks ago when we went wine tasting and I plan to go again next year too.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Results
So I went to Dr. K yesterday with my mom and Ben. It was emotional for all. Basically, I have Ductal Invasive Carcinoma, which is basically cancer that started in the duct and then spilled out (pray only a little.) The doctor says she thinks it is only Stage 1 or 2 and we are praying now that it won't be in any of my lymph nodes (that would be the best.) We also asked the doctor to review the slides again just to make sure that there wasn't any possibility that since I am a lactating mom my cells may be slightly different (we assume they don't see a lot of cases like mine.) She said it has happened once before and she would recheck the slides again--I am praying that I am number 2.
My first step is to have an MRI to make sure that there isn't any other cancer spots. Apparently, I have dense breasts so the mammogram wasn't as effective as we had hoped. I just pray there are no more spots that appear to be cancer. I will have to undergo surgery in about two weeks to remove the lump, followed by chemotherapy and then radiation.
I went immediately to get my x-rays done and then Ben and I dropped my mom off and we headed to lunch together (our first date without the kids in a long time.) I am so blessed that I have such a wonderful supportive husband. I know that whatever Ben and I decide will be right for our family and with him I will be able to fight this.
On the way home from the doctor, I was in the car and "I'm Still Here" by 3 Doors Down came on. I started blaring it and singing it as loudly as I could (I am sure all the cars around me were wondering what was going on.) Thanks God for providing me a little inspiration right when I needed it!
I feel confident in my doctor, but I will be seeking one more opinion just to make sure everything makes sense especially given my age so this week will be full of lots of doctors appointments.
After I got home, Ava and Kalyn ran right up to me and gave me the biggest hugs and then life went on as usual. I fed them, played with them, snuggled them up, and put them to bed. Ben had stopped on his way home and picked me up some very comfy pajamas, which were perfect! I put them right on and went to bed-It was an exhausting day.
A nice surprise...My sister-in law, Megan, gave me a present at the birthday party on Sunday and I never had time to open it because I was so busy. This morning I got up around 6:30 and retrieved the present. She gave me a beautiful Snowflake crystal candle holder (snowflakes were part of my wedding theme 5 years ago.) Also inside was a book called Nordie's Noon about four women "too young" for breast cancer and an inspirational bookmark,
"Faith Sees the Invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible."
As I mentioned in my first blog, Faith is a big part of what will keep me going through this. I know that God will be with me and through Him all things are possible.
Another part that I read was from the women's surgeon, "Breast cancer is not meant to change your life. It will merely amplify the life you already have." I believe this very strongly. I still plan to continue to live my life the same way I do now and I still believe there isn't anything I can't do.
My first step is to have an MRI to make sure that there isn't any other cancer spots. Apparently, I have dense breasts so the mammogram wasn't as effective as we had hoped. I just pray there are no more spots that appear to be cancer. I will have to undergo surgery in about two weeks to remove the lump, followed by chemotherapy and then radiation.
I went immediately to get my x-rays done and then Ben and I dropped my mom off and we headed to lunch together (our first date without the kids in a long time.) I am so blessed that I have such a wonderful supportive husband. I know that whatever Ben and I decide will be right for our family and with him I will be able to fight this.
On the way home from the doctor, I was in the car and "I'm Still Here" by 3 Doors Down came on. I started blaring it and singing it as loudly as I could (I am sure all the cars around me were wondering what was going on.) Thanks God for providing me a little inspiration right when I needed it!
I feel confident in my doctor, but I will be seeking one more opinion just to make sure everything makes sense especially given my age so this week will be full of lots of doctors appointments.
After I got home, Ava and Kalyn ran right up to me and gave me the biggest hugs and then life went on as usual. I fed them, played with them, snuggled them up, and put them to bed. Ben had stopped on his way home and picked me up some very comfy pajamas, which were perfect! I put them right on and went to bed-It was an exhausting day.
A nice surprise...My sister-in law, Megan, gave me a present at the birthday party on Sunday and I never had time to open it because I was so busy. This morning I got up around 6:30 and retrieved the present. She gave me a beautiful Snowflake crystal candle holder (snowflakes were part of my wedding theme 5 years ago.) Also inside was a book called Nordie's Noon about four women "too young" for breast cancer and an inspirational bookmark,
"Faith Sees the Invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible."
As I mentioned in my first blog, Faith is a big part of what will keep me going through this. I know that God will be with me and through Him all things are possible.
Another part that I read was from the women's surgeon, "Breast cancer is not meant to change your life. It will merely amplify the life you already have." I believe this very strongly. I still plan to continue to live my life the same way I do now and I still believe there isn't anything I can't do.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I'm Now a Breast Cancer Survivor
On Friday, November 7 at 3:37 pm, I heard the words that will forever define my life, "I'm sorry, you have breast cancer." It seems so surreal to me now that in that one minute between 3:36 and 3:37 your whole life can change. A million thoughts ran through my head as I was holding the phone to my ear in one hand and my almost one-year old daughter Kalyn in the other. I started crying hysterically and asked "Are you kidding, I am only 31 and I have two young kids." Like somehow by saying these things she would change the diagnosis. This past weekend has been full of emotional ups and downs. I was thankful that I had Kalyn's first birthday party yesterday, which helped prevent my mind from wandering. I declared yesterday a "cancer free" day and asked the few immediate family members I had told to please not tell anyone as I wanted to have a special day for Kalyn. The birthday party was wonderful and we had about 40 family members to our new home. It was everything I could have hoped for.
How my journey began...About a month and a half ago, I was in the shower and I found a lump in my left breast. It was fairly prominent and I thought it was probably just a clogged mammory gland. I was in the process of weaning little Kalyn. I waited about two weeks to see if it would go away, but it didn't so I called my Ob/Gyn and scheduled an appointment. I went to see my doctor in the beginning of October. While I was waiting in the doctor's office, I decided to feel around some more (thank god for waiting at the doctor's) and I found another lump in one of lymph nodes. When the doctor came in, I told her about both of the lumps and she said, I really don't think it is anything you are so young and don't have any risk factors, but I want you to have a Mammogram and Ultrasound especially since you have both of the lumps. The doctor was very nice and called to get me in as quickly as possible. When I went in for the Mammogram and Ultrasound, I felt a little out of place and kept thinking "Why am I here." When I went in for the Mammogram, the technician said, everything looks good to me. I don't think you have anything to worry about. She had only one small dot on the screen where I thought I had a large lump so I felt pretty good! The ultrasound was similar and I went out thinking that was easy and went on with my weekend. I had scheduled a follow up doctor's appointment for a week later and the day before I got a letter in the mail saying that my mammogram and ultrasound were abnormal and to schedule an appointment to see my doctor. My mini-support system at this time was my mom, my Grandma Corey, Ben and my girls (although, they didn't know it.) I saw no need to worry anyone else about what I still thought was nothing. I called all of them to tell them about the letter and we all agreed that it was still probably nothing and that I would find out more at my doctor's appointment on Friday. On Friday, I went to see my doctor and she read the radiologists report. It was a whole bunch of doctorease that I didn't understand, but the basic just of it was "It's not this, It could be this, and I really don't think it is that (cancer.) Wait 3-6 months and have a follow up." I thank God that my doctor said, "I am going to have you go to a Breast Care Specialist just to make sure. It may be something related to breastfeeding (a Lactating Noma), but I want to make sure." I am one of those people that goes along with everything the doctor says so if she had went along with the radiologists recommendation, I probably would have waited it out (don't do this.) So a few days later, I went to the Breast Care Specialist, in Royal Oak and she showed me the mammogram--I really have no idea how they can discern between white and really white parts and black and blacker (it's like one of those 3-D wall puzzle pictures--I can't do those either.) She then felt the two areas and said "I want you to get the word 'cancer' out of your head, I really don't think that is what this is, it feels like a Fibroadenoma or a Lactating Noma and you have no risk factors. As I see it, you have no more risk than any other women your age." I felt great! Then she said, I do want you to get a biopsy done and a sample of the lymph node tissue (she seemed more concerned about the enlarged lymph node and said I think they are unrelated.) So last Wednesday, November 5, I went in for the core biopsy. While she was prepping for the biopsy, she told the nurse that it was a "Classic Fibroadenoma" and asked if she could feel it (I lost modesty after I had Ava.) Even after she took the sample, she said I really think this is a Fibroadenoma and because of the size she said I should have a minor surgery in a few weeks to remove it. It wasn't bad (and well worth it) and other than a little discomfort in the evening, it didn't even phase me. I left the office feeling good and I headed back to work. And then two days later, I got the call...
The bad part about the call was that Ben wasn't home yet, the good part was that I wasn't alone I had my two girls who comforted me more than anyone could possibly imagine. I have to be positive and strong for them and they showered me with kisses and hugs and didn't even know why. They are my life and my hope and I will fight every day for them. I was actually glad I had some time to process everything before Ben got home and I had two of the best healers ever!
So where do I go from here? Today, I have my follow up appointment at 1:00 pm and for now I am living life as normal as I possibly can. I will keep you posted on my journey and I just ask that you keep me in your prayers. I do know that God is watching me through this and that there is a reason for everything--He will never let me be alone. My faith is stronger than ever.
Side note: I titled this blog "CheckYourBoobs" because I know many women under 35 don't think breast cancer is possible. We hear it all the time that it is an over 40 disease and that we don't need yearly mammograms until we are 35 and older. I now know that this disease (like many others) is not picky and doesn't know if you are under 35 or over 40. It is rarer in women under 35, but it more virulent too and often we don't get diagnosed as early as we should. Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women under 35 Please women of all ages, check your boobs. If I can prevent at least one person from having to go through what I am about to endure, then I would be the happiest person in the world. There is a larger group of women under 35 that are now getting this disease so please educate yourself and I will be posting more research for women under 35 as I find it (unfortunately, there is little research out there.)
On Friday, November 7 at 3:37 pm, I heard the words that will forever define my life, "I'm sorry, you have breast cancer." It seems so surreal to me now that in that one minute between 3:36 and 3:37 your whole life can change. A million thoughts ran through my head as I was holding the phone to my ear in one hand and my almost one-year old daughter Kalyn in the other. I started crying hysterically and asked "Are you kidding, I am only 31 and I have two young kids." Like somehow by saying these things she would change the diagnosis. This past weekend has been full of emotional ups and downs. I was thankful that I had Kalyn's first birthday party yesterday, which helped prevent my mind from wandering. I declared yesterday a "cancer free" day and asked the few immediate family members I had told to please not tell anyone as I wanted to have a special day for Kalyn. The birthday party was wonderful and we had about 40 family members to our new home. It was everything I could have hoped for.
How my journey began...About a month and a half ago, I was in the shower and I found a lump in my left breast. It was fairly prominent and I thought it was probably just a clogged mammory gland. I was in the process of weaning little Kalyn. I waited about two weeks to see if it would go away, but it didn't so I called my Ob/Gyn and scheduled an appointment. I went to see my doctor in the beginning of October. While I was waiting in the doctor's office, I decided to feel around some more (thank god for waiting at the doctor's) and I found another lump in one of lymph nodes. When the doctor came in, I told her about both of the lumps and she said, I really don't think it is anything you are so young and don't have any risk factors, but I want you to have a Mammogram and Ultrasound especially since you have both of the lumps. The doctor was very nice and called to get me in as quickly as possible. When I went in for the Mammogram and Ultrasound, I felt a little out of place and kept thinking "Why am I here." When I went in for the Mammogram, the technician said, everything looks good to me. I don't think you have anything to worry about. She had only one small dot on the screen where I thought I had a large lump so I felt pretty good! The ultrasound was similar and I went out thinking that was easy and went on with my weekend. I had scheduled a follow up doctor's appointment for a week later and the day before I got a letter in the mail saying that my mammogram and ultrasound were abnormal and to schedule an appointment to see my doctor. My mini-support system at this time was my mom, my Grandma Corey, Ben and my girls (although, they didn't know it.) I saw no need to worry anyone else about what I still thought was nothing. I called all of them to tell them about the letter and we all agreed that it was still probably nothing and that I would find out more at my doctor's appointment on Friday. On Friday, I went to see my doctor and she read the radiologists report. It was a whole bunch of doctorease that I didn't understand, but the basic just of it was "It's not this, It could be this, and I really don't think it is that (cancer.) Wait 3-6 months and have a follow up." I thank God that my doctor said, "I am going to have you go to a Breast Care Specialist just to make sure. It may be something related to breastfeeding (a Lactating Noma), but I want to make sure." I am one of those people that goes along with everything the doctor says so if she had went along with the radiologists recommendation, I probably would have waited it out (don't do this.) So a few days later, I went to the Breast Care Specialist, in Royal Oak and she showed me the mammogram--I really have no idea how they can discern between white and really white parts and black and blacker (it's like one of those 3-D wall puzzle pictures--I can't do those either.) She then felt the two areas and said "I want you to get the word 'cancer' out of your head, I really don't think that is what this is, it feels like a Fibroadenoma or a Lactating Noma and you have no risk factors. As I see it, you have no more risk than any other women your age." I felt great! Then she said, I do want you to get a biopsy done and a sample of the lymph node tissue (she seemed more concerned about the enlarged lymph node and said I think they are unrelated.) So last Wednesday, November 5, I went in for the core biopsy. While she was prepping for the biopsy, she told the nurse that it was a "Classic Fibroadenoma" and asked if she could feel it (I lost modesty after I had Ava.) Even after she took the sample, she said I really think this is a Fibroadenoma and because of the size she said I should have a minor surgery in a few weeks to remove it. It wasn't bad (and well worth it) and other than a little discomfort in the evening, it didn't even phase me. I left the office feeling good and I headed back to work. And then two days later, I got the call...
The bad part about the call was that Ben wasn't home yet, the good part was that I wasn't alone I had my two girls who comforted me more than anyone could possibly imagine. I have to be positive and strong for them and they showered me with kisses and hugs and didn't even know why. They are my life and my hope and I will fight every day for them. I was actually glad I had some time to process everything before Ben got home and I had two of the best healers ever!
So where do I go from here? Today, I have my follow up appointment at 1:00 pm and for now I am living life as normal as I possibly can. I will keep you posted on my journey and I just ask that you keep me in your prayers. I do know that God is watching me through this and that there is a reason for everything--He will never let me be alone. My faith is stronger than ever.
Side note: I titled this blog "CheckYourBoobs" because I know many women under 35 don't think breast cancer is possible. We hear it all the time that it is an over 40 disease and that we don't need yearly mammograms until we are 35 and older. I now know that this disease (like many others) is not picky and doesn't know if you are under 35 or over 40. It is rarer in women under 35, but it more virulent too and often we don't get diagnosed as early as we should. Breast cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women under 35 Please women of all ages, check your boobs. If I can prevent at least one person from having to go through what I am about to endure, then I would be the happiest person in the world. There is a larger group of women under 35 that are now getting this disease so please educate yourself and I will be posting more research for women under 35 as I find it (unfortunately, there is little research out there.)
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