It is hard to believe that in one day I will be done with my chemo treatments. It feels like just yesterday I was entering the infusion room for the first time as a chemo "newbie." Now, I feel like a veteran and now I walk in and find my favorite spot, say hi to the nurses and watch as other "newbies" come in looking numb as they enter the room for the first time. Although, I am anxious to get chemo over with, there is also this part that will miss it--not the drugs of course, but the time I got to spend uninterupted with my friends and family and my favorite nurse Ramona. It is a time I will always remember and I will always look at chemo as a fond memory because of this.
Overall, chemo wasn't as bad as I initially thought it would be. I remember when my surgeon said "There are three courses of treatment for breast cancer-surgery, radiation and chemo and you will need all three." I focused immediately on the chemo and replayed all the chemo scenes from movies--losing your hair, getting sick, lying in bed not being able to do anything. But honestly if everything goes as smoothly as chemo, I will feel very blessed. It hasn't been the easiest road-but I never got sick and although I would be a little tired, sometimes queasy and once in a while would get a headache, I still worked full time, ran after my two little girls and Ben, hosted lots of holiday parties, kept up with laundry, avoided the stomach flu... Bottom line--I survived chemo. And I hope everyone is right, If I can survive chemo, I can survive anything.
Please check out the amazing video my friend's Dreu and Kiley put together at my 5th chemo treatment that talks about my journey with breast cancer. We are doing the 3-day walk in August and are looking to raise $10,000 as a team. Our team name is TLC: Together Let's Fight Cancer (also used to be my initials before I got married.) http://www.youtube.com/cancer3day
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Middle Place
My dear friend Kiley gave me a book recently called The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan. Kelly was also in her 30's when she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had 3 and 1 year old daughters at the time of diagnosis. It was a great book and it really felt like I was reading a story about my life. Basically, as soon as you hear the cries of your first born, you are now in the middle place-the point in time when you are both a mother and a child. Who do you want to see first when your new baby is born?--without question it's your mom.
In the past few weeks, I have never felt so much in the middle place. As I was dealing with the stomach flu with Ava, Kalyn and Ben--I called my mom for her support. How do you cope when everyone in your house is sick and you are told by your doctor not to be around sick people? Well, somehow by calling my mom and her reliving stories of when I was little and sick with chicken pox, while moving to a new home and surviving, made me feel better. There was never a doubt in my mind to go to my children while they were sick and to comfort them, give them baths, wash the clothes... I remember when the nurse told me that if my kids were sick that I would have to have someone else care for them--I cried and said that is one thing I can't do. As a mother, when your children are hurting or sick-that is the time you want to be with them the most--and when they want you the most. Fortunately, we all survived and although I was a little tired and didn't feel super great--I never got sick.
As I am nearing the end of my chemo treatments, I am facing all the decisions regarding my future treatment. It's the hardest decision I have ever had to make and it's hard because my mom thinks like a mom, Ben thinks like a husband, and I switch back and forth. My mom would like everything to just go back to normal as quickly as possible and for me to just do the minimally invasive surgery. As a mom, I understand where she is coming from for I know she would be grieving the loss of a part of me even more than I would and she knows that it wouldn't be as easy for me as I would like to think. She hurts when I hurt. Ben, on the other hand, is very supportive and says he just doesn't want me to have to deal with cancer ever again. I again am in the middle and not really sure what to do. I originally thought minimally invasive, but recently my gut told me to meet with a different surgeon and when she went over all my test results some of the test results that I thought were negative actually showed some cancer tendencies. My other doctor didn't explain that very clearly or the implications of this so I was a little in shock when I met with the second surgeon--I just thought I was going to ask her to do my simple surgery. I am thankful to God that he gave me the courage to challenge my first doctor and seek another opinion as I had debated about doing this for a while (I just didn't have confidence in the first surgeon and could never figure out why.) I set up several additional appointments next week to determine which surgical procedure will be best for my situation. The good thing is I now feel 100% confident in my new surgeon so no matter what I know she will make sure I look great after!
When Ben and I went to church yesterday, the topic couldn't have been more timely as it was about prayer. One of the prayers they went over was the Lord's Prayer as many get used to reciting the prayer instead of looking at the true meaning of the prayer every time. They specifically talked about the line "Thy Will be Done" and basically said that no matter what happens-it's God's will that will prevail. Later in the day, Ben said to me in the car "Thy Will be done" and I know he's right.
In the past few weeks, I have never felt so much in the middle place. As I was dealing with the stomach flu with Ava, Kalyn and Ben--I called my mom for her support. How do you cope when everyone in your house is sick and you are told by your doctor not to be around sick people? Well, somehow by calling my mom and her reliving stories of when I was little and sick with chicken pox, while moving to a new home and surviving, made me feel better. There was never a doubt in my mind to go to my children while they were sick and to comfort them, give them baths, wash the clothes... I remember when the nurse told me that if my kids were sick that I would have to have someone else care for them--I cried and said that is one thing I can't do. As a mother, when your children are hurting or sick-that is the time you want to be with them the most--and when they want you the most. Fortunately, we all survived and although I was a little tired and didn't feel super great--I never got sick.
As I am nearing the end of my chemo treatments, I am facing all the decisions regarding my future treatment. It's the hardest decision I have ever had to make and it's hard because my mom thinks like a mom, Ben thinks like a husband, and I switch back and forth. My mom would like everything to just go back to normal as quickly as possible and for me to just do the minimally invasive surgery. As a mom, I understand where she is coming from for I know she would be grieving the loss of a part of me even more than I would and she knows that it wouldn't be as easy for me as I would like to think. She hurts when I hurt. Ben, on the other hand, is very supportive and says he just doesn't want me to have to deal with cancer ever again. I again am in the middle and not really sure what to do. I originally thought minimally invasive, but recently my gut told me to meet with a different surgeon and when she went over all my test results some of the test results that I thought were negative actually showed some cancer tendencies. My other doctor didn't explain that very clearly or the implications of this so I was a little in shock when I met with the second surgeon--I just thought I was going to ask her to do my simple surgery. I am thankful to God that he gave me the courage to challenge my first doctor and seek another opinion as I had debated about doing this for a while (I just didn't have confidence in the first surgeon and could never figure out why.) I set up several additional appointments next week to determine which surgical procedure will be best for my situation. The good thing is I now feel 100% confident in my new surgeon so no matter what I know she will make sure I look great after!
When Ben and I went to church yesterday, the topic couldn't have been more timely as it was about prayer. One of the prayers they went over was the Lord's Prayer as many get used to reciting the prayer instead of looking at the true meaning of the prayer every time. They specifically talked about the line "Thy Will be Done" and basically said that no matter what happens-it's God's will that will prevail. Later in the day, Ben said to me in the car "Thy Will be done" and I know he's right.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
With God All Things Are Possible
"But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible." —Matthew 19:26
As I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday to start my 4th round of chemo, I was a little more anxious than usual. It wasn't because of the impending 3 hours of chemo, but because I would be receiving the results of the MRI I had on Monday. I knew that my fate would be determined based on the findings of this MRI and I had been praying ever since that it would show no cancer (although I knew after only 3 treatments this would be a lot to ask.) Finally when a room opened up to see the doctor, I pretty much rushed to the room. As usual, it was a really busy day for the doctor so the Physician Assistant came in first. I told her I found out I was BRCA negative and then I asked if she could look at my MRI results (I couldn't wait any longer.) She looked at them and said "Negative." I immediately said, "What does that mean?" She said there are no signs of cancer in either breast, no sign of cancer at the spot where cancer was previously dedected and you went from a Category 6 (malignancy dedected) to a Category 1 (Nothing.) She said I couldn't have had a better MRI. I was elated and when she left, I immediately texted Ben and my dad to tell them the good news. When the doctor came in he said I hear you are BRCA negative that's great news and then I asked him if he heard about my MRI results and he said no. The Nurse Practitioner said she wanted me to tell him. So I told him that it said Negative and he looked at it and said you know this isn't ordinary (I think he was a little in shock.) Basically, it is rare for someone to respond so well after only 3 treatments without having surgery first. Immediately, I thought of the scripture reading above "With God All Things Are Possible." I told the doctor that everything I/we have prayed for since my diagnosis, has been answered. Actually, I told everyone around me because I really feel I am a testament to the Power of God's Healing.
After I found out about the results, it made going through chemo much easier. It works! Fortunately, I was able to have a private room this time so I was able to visit with my friends and my mom and cousin who came to visit. The nurses joke and say I have a posse, but it makes chemo go by so much faster when my friends are around.
I will still continue with my final two chemo treatments and have the lumpectomy and radiation. The lumpectomy should be really minor since they basically just go in and double check to make sure that there are no cancer cells hiding. I just look at it as additional precaution to make sure there is no cancer and that it never comes back.
So I guess I could have also titled this Thank You Part II. Thank you God, my friends and family. "With God All Things Are Possible."
As I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday to start my 4th round of chemo, I was a little more anxious than usual. It wasn't because of the impending 3 hours of chemo, but because I would be receiving the results of the MRI I had on Monday. I knew that my fate would be determined based on the findings of this MRI and I had been praying ever since that it would show no cancer (although I knew after only 3 treatments this would be a lot to ask.) Finally when a room opened up to see the doctor, I pretty much rushed to the room. As usual, it was a really busy day for the doctor so the Physician Assistant came in first. I told her I found out I was BRCA negative and then I asked if she could look at my MRI results (I couldn't wait any longer.) She looked at them and said "Negative." I immediately said, "What does that mean?" She said there are no signs of cancer in either breast, no sign of cancer at the spot where cancer was previously dedected and you went from a Category 6 (malignancy dedected) to a Category 1 (Nothing.) She said I couldn't have had a better MRI. I was elated and when she left, I immediately texted Ben and my dad to tell them the good news. When the doctor came in he said I hear you are BRCA negative that's great news and then I asked him if he heard about my MRI results and he said no. The Nurse Practitioner said she wanted me to tell him. So I told him that it said Negative and he looked at it and said you know this isn't ordinary (I think he was a little in shock.) Basically, it is rare for someone to respond so well after only 3 treatments without having surgery first. Immediately, I thought of the scripture reading above "With God All Things Are Possible." I told the doctor that everything I/we have prayed for since my diagnosis, has been answered. Actually, I told everyone around me because I really feel I am a testament to the Power of God's Healing.
After I found out about the results, it made going through chemo much easier. It works! Fortunately, I was able to have a private room this time so I was able to visit with my friends and my mom and cousin who came to visit. The nurses joke and say I have a posse, but it makes chemo go by so much faster when my friends are around.
I will still continue with my final two chemo treatments and have the lumpectomy and radiation. The lumpectomy should be really minor since they basically just go in and double check to make sure that there are no cancer cells hiding. I just look at it as additional precaution to make sure there is no cancer and that it never comes back.
So I guess I could have also titled this Thank You Part II. Thank you God, my friends and family. "With God All Things Are Possible."
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thank You
It is amazing what little kids pick up on and I was amazed when last week Kalyn started saying Thank You. It was pretty much her 5th word after Daddy, Cracker, doggy and duck. As I handed her something she would say Thank You. I was sort of in disbelief until Ben said the same thing when he handed something to her. As I have mentioned before we have lots to be thankful for and I continue to have amazing friends and family and I am also thankful to God for answering more prayers. I found out that I do not carry the breast cancer gene (BRCA1 and BRCA2), which was the best news because I can't pass this on to my girls. They would have had a 50% chance of inheriting this gene and then if you have the gene you have about a 50% chance of developing breast cancer in your lifetime. It was a very happy day for me. Although in my family, I only have a second cousin that has breast cancer, I was still concerned because it is rare for someone as young as I am to develop breast cancer. I also visited my surgeon again for a follow up and she confirmed that she can no longer feel the lump either so the chemo is definitely working. Yesterday, I went and had my second MRI to make sure that the lump is gone and then I will review it with my doctor tomorrow before my 4th round of chemo. I am just praying that it doesn't show any signs of cancer and that my last 3 rounds of chemo can just be extra assurance that it won't come back again.
My last round of chemo will be March 4 and then we will be going with my parents for a week to Florida. I told my family that it was important for me to take the girls to Disney World (one of my favorite places) so we planned a three-day trip while we are in Florida. I am so excited. We will be staying in the Fort Wilderness Lodge, which is right near the Fort Wilderness campgrounds where we used to stay when we were younger. We used to love camping at Disney in our Pop-Up camper and it will be fun to visit again. After we get back, I will have my surgery. As long as the MRI shows that the lump is either gone or at least almost gone, then I will have a lumpectomy. The lumpectomy is just an outpatient surgery and I should recover pretty quickly. After the surgery, I will have radiation every day for 4-5 weeks. From what the Radiation Oncologist tells me, radiation will be the easiest of everything and I just go in, lie on a table for 5 minutes, get up and go home. He said they are pretty boring in Radiation so that is why people sometimes feel tired after. No more fancy bags with red liquid-Thank You!
My last round of chemo will be March 4 and then we will be going with my parents for a week to Florida. I told my family that it was important for me to take the girls to Disney World (one of my favorite places) so we planned a three-day trip while we are in Florida. I am so excited. We will be staying in the Fort Wilderness Lodge, which is right near the Fort Wilderness campgrounds where we used to stay when we were younger. We used to love camping at Disney in our Pop-Up camper and it will be fun to visit again. After we get back, I will have my surgery. As long as the MRI shows that the lump is either gone or at least almost gone, then I will have a lumpectomy. The lumpectomy is just an outpatient surgery and I should recover pretty quickly. After the surgery, I will have radiation every day for 4-5 weeks. From what the Radiation Oncologist tells me, radiation will be the easiest of everything and I just go in, lie on a table for 5 minutes, get up and go home. He said they are pretty boring in Radiation so that is why people sometimes feel tired after. No more fancy bags with red liquid-Thank You!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Learning to Dance In the Rain
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I am not sure who wrote this quote, but it is what greeted me when I went to my doctor's office on Friday. It pretty much sums it up for me. The past month, I definitely danced! As you can see it has been about a month since my last blog update and that is because I have been very busy with all that December brings. As I have mentioned, I don't want cancer to slow me down and I am so glad to say that it hasn't. I think I hosted about 5 parties including a three year old birthday party, Christmas day, a gathering for all of our friends and a few more smaller get-togethers. I loved every minute of it! I was fortunate that I had my chemo treatment on December 10 so that I was 100% the whole holiday season.
Ben and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary on December 13 and it was everything I could have hoped for. A nice day for just Ben and I to be together--we went to breakfast, the spa for 6 hours, a movie and dinner. If someone would have asked us, where we would be in 5 years, we wouldn't have believed them, but I am still the happiest I have ever been. We are right where we want to be and we have two of the most precious little girls and a beautiful home and neighborhood. I still feel blessed to be Mrs. Spencer!
Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love gift giving and decorating for the holidays and now with two little one's I love creating new memories and traditions. It was fun this year to go and get a real tree with Ava. We had fake trees for a few years in our other home because we either just got married, were preparing for a baby, or just had a baby. I vowed that once we moved, we would get a real tree. I just love the smell and the experience you can only get with a real tree. So Ava, Ben, my dad and I headed off to the middle of nowhere to find the perfect tree. I spotted it right away and said that is it! It was a perfectly naturally shaped, Douglas Fir. Getting into the house was another story...When you find a tree in the woods, it is always larger than you can even imagine. Ours was about 8 feet in diameter and after we finally got it in our house (a few wall scrapes did occur), we stood it up in the middle of our living room and realized that our tree was as big as our great room. We thought we would have to have a tree in the middle of the room or put it in our front lawn. I thought it was hysterical, but Ben didn't think it was as comical as he started breaking out in hives from the needles. Finally, we decided we had to give the tree a "hair cut" and Ben got the hedge trimmers and trimmed off about 3 feet from the sides. Then we spent about an hour rearranging furniture to find the perfect spot. When it was all up, it was the most beautiful tree I had ever seen even with its new trim. Honestly, wall scrapes and all it is probably my favorite Christmas memory from this year and next year I think we can get a bigger one!
The girls had a wonderful Christmas and Santa was very good to them. Ava got lots of barbies and a vanity for her room and Kalyn got blocks and books and baby doll. It was fun to have Santa come to our new home--he had an easier time now that we have a chimney and fireplace :)
It was easy to forget about cancer all through the holidays. We don't really talk about it and life pretty much goes along the same path. On Sunday, we had Ava's third birthday and our family came to spend the day with her. I wasn't sure if I would be up for another party, but I decided to pull one together for her and I am glad I did. She had a great time and loved being the center of attention-lucky her we sang Happy Birthday to her twice! After the party, it was probably the first time I had cried since my initial diagnosis. I realized now I would have to deal with the cancer again. It was so easy to forget...but that doesn't change the reality of it-I still have cancer.
On New Year's Eve, I had my third round of chemo. When they asked me about this appointment date, I remember thinking briefly should I postpone until the 2nd, but I knew I wanted to stay on the same schedule and get it done with as soon as possible. Ben's dad went with me as Ben stayed home to play with the girls. I went and saw my doctor and he said I was doing exceptionally well. My side effects have been fairly minimal and my white blood cell counts are still good-I am still healthy! After you meet the doctor, you go into the chemo room with all the other chemo patients. I actually feel very comfortable in the room now and I am glad that I have opted to stay in the large room rather than to get a private room. I feel a sense of community and even though I might not talk with the other patients, there is a special unspoken bond. Truthfully, I didn't think I would have any visitors on New Year's Eve, but to my surprise my girlfriend's Kiley and Joey came. It was so wonderful to see them and honestly it makes 3 1/2 hours feel like 30 minutes. I think they are getting more comfortable with their surroundings too! I told them about my New Year's resolutions. They are simple.
1) Cancer free by summer
2) Focus more on Self--I often put my children, Ben and work first and then sacrifice working out, getting sleep, eating, etc. I think if I am happier/healthier, then my kids and Ben will be happier. (This will be a hard one for me!) This is basically another way of saying-I need to work out!
3) Walk in the three-day breast cancer walk--get friends to do it with me! It is coming August 14 to Michigan and I plan to sign up soon! It's important for me to help in finding a cure for breast cancer--however I can. I'll post more info. on this soon.
After chemo, Ben's dad and I went to lunch and then we went to the store so I could get some last minute things for New Year's Eve! I still had lots to celebrate. We had a wonderful New Year's with Dreu, Kiley, Caden and Sedona at our home and I felt great the whole time. We had shrimp and crab lakes and brownie sundae's for dessert. I even made it to 12:05 (and then went right to bed.) It was fun to celebrate the New Year with them-we have sort of made it one of our new traditions and we are so blessed to have them in our lives.
So I am officially half-way done with my chemo treatments--yea! This round was my hardest of all. I was pretty wiped out all weekend, but I was thankful that Ben, my mom and Grandma were around to help me out. The good news is that I am now feeling great and dancing again...
I am not sure who wrote this quote, but it is what greeted me when I went to my doctor's office on Friday. It pretty much sums it up for me. The past month, I definitely danced! As you can see it has been about a month since my last blog update and that is because I have been very busy with all that December brings. As I have mentioned, I don't want cancer to slow me down and I am so glad to say that it hasn't. I think I hosted about 5 parties including a three year old birthday party, Christmas day, a gathering for all of our friends and a few more smaller get-togethers. I loved every minute of it! I was fortunate that I had my chemo treatment on December 10 so that I was 100% the whole holiday season.
Ben and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary on December 13 and it was everything I could have hoped for. A nice day for just Ben and I to be together--we went to breakfast, the spa for 6 hours, a movie and dinner. If someone would have asked us, where we would be in 5 years, we wouldn't have believed them, but I am still the happiest I have ever been. We are right where we want to be and we have two of the most precious little girls and a beautiful home and neighborhood. I still feel blessed to be Mrs. Spencer!
Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love gift giving and decorating for the holidays and now with two little one's I love creating new memories and traditions. It was fun this year to go and get a real tree with Ava. We had fake trees for a few years in our other home because we either just got married, were preparing for a baby, or just had a baby. I vowed that once we moved, we would get a real tree. I just love the smell and the experience you can only get with a real tree. So Ava, Ben, my dad and I headed off to the middle of nowhere to find the perfect tree. I spotted it right away and said that is it! It was a perfectly naturally shaped, Douglas Fir. Getting into the house was another story...When you find a tree in the woods, it is always larger than you can even imagine. Ours was about 8 feet in diameter and after we finally got it in our house (a few wall scrapes did occur), we stood it up in the middle of our living room and realized that our tree was as big as our great room. We thought we would have to have a tree in the middle of the room or put it in our front lawn. I thought it was hysterical, but Ben didn't think it was as comical as he started breaking out in hives from the needles. Finally, we decided we had to give the tree a "hair cut" and Ben got the hedge trimmers and trimmed off about 3 feet from the sides. Then we spent about an hour rearranging furniture to find the perfect spot. When it was all up, it was the most beautiful tree I had ever seen even with its new trim. Honestly, wall scrapes and all it is probably my favorite Christmas memory from this year and next year I think we can get a bigger one!
The girls had a wonderful Christmas and Santa was very good to them. Ava got lots of barbies and a vanity for her room and Kalyn got blocks and books and baby doll. It was fun to have Santa come to our new home--he had an easier time now that we have a chimney and fireplace :)
It was easy to forget about cancer all through the holidays. We don't really talk about it and life pretty much goes along the same path. On Sunday, we had Ava's third birthday and our family came to spend the day with her. I wasn't sure if I would be up for another party, but I decided to pull one together for her and I am glad I did. She had a great time and loved being the center of attention-lucky her we sang Happy Birthday to her twice! After the party, it was probably the first time I had cried since my initial diagnosis. I realized now I would have to deal with the cancer again. It was so easy to forget...but that doesn't change the reality of it-I still have cancer.
On New Year's Eve, I had my third round of chemo. When they asked me about this appointment date, I remember thinking briefly should I postpone until the 2nd, but I knew I wanted to stay on the same schedule and get it done with as soon as possible. Ben's dad went with me as Ben stayed home to play with the girls. I went and saw my doctor and he said I was doing exceptionally well. My side effects have been fairly minimal and my white blood cell counts are still good-I am still healthy! After you meet the doctor, you go into the chemo room with all the other chemo patients. I actually feel very comfortable in the room now and I am glad that I have opted to stay in the large room rather than to get a private room. I feel a sense of community and even though I might not talk with the other patients, there is a special unspoken bond. Truthfully, I didn't think I would have any visitors on New Year's Eve, but to my surprise my girlfriend's Kiley and Joey came. It was so wonderful to see them and honestly it makes 3 1/2 hours feel like 30 minutes. I think they are getting more comfortable with their surroundings too! I told them about my New Year's resolutions. They are simple.
1) Cancer free by summer
2) Focus more on Self--I often put my children, Ben and work first and then sacrifice working out, getting sleep, eating, etc. I think if I am happier/healthier, then my kids and Ben will be happier. (This will be a hard one for me!) This is basically another way of saying-I need to work out!
3) Walk in the three-day breast cancer walk--get friends to do it with me! It is coming August 14 to Michigan and I plan to sign up soon! It's important for me to help in finding a cure for breast cancer--however I can. I'll post more info. on this soon.
After chemo, Ben's dad and I went to lunch and then we went to the store so I could get some last minute things for New Year's Eve! I still had lots to celebrate. We had a wonderful New Year's with Dreu, Kiley, Caden and Sedona at our home and I felt great the whole time. We had shrimp and crab lakes and brownie sundae's for dessert. I even made it to 12:05 (and then went right to bed.) It was fun to celebrate the New Year with them-we have sort of made it one of our new traditions and we are so blessed to have them in our lives.
So I am officially half-way done with my chemo treatments--yea! This round was my hardest of all. I was pretty wiped out all weekend, but I was thankful that Ben, my mom and Grandma were around to help me out. The good news is that I am now feeling great and dancing again...
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
One Month and Still Going Strong
It's hard to believe that a month has already gone by since my cancer diagnosis. It seems like yesterday and so far away at the same time. I just can't believe how much has happened in a month since I received the phone call. At the time, I was very upset about the diagnosis, but now I see cancer in a completely different light. I don't look at cancer as a bad thing (although it is), instead I try to look at the positive side of cancer and believe it or not so far I actually see more positives then negatives. As I was getting my second treatment today, I was a little annoyed at first that I had to take 4 hours of my day to have chemo administered. I had a lot of work to do and I knew it would just be piling up even more as I sat there. Then I realized that I need to look at this time as a blessing because every day I am so busy that I never get time to sit down and relax. I am either working, taking care of the girls and Ben, cleaning the house, shopping, running around doing errands.... So I decided chemo time is my time and once I decided that I felt great! What I have learned in my time at chemo is that I have the most incredible friends in the world and the best father-in-law anyone could ever ask for. Three of my friends came to visit me and I received several calls from others. I love spending time with my friends and it is so nice because at chemo there are no distractions so I learn more about my friends then I ever had before. Also, the bond I have now with my father-in-law is amazing, he has committed to going to every treatment with me and has helped Ben and I several times with watching the kids so we could have some adult time. So as I see it if it weren't for the cancer, I wouldn't have had these opportunities or my cute new haircut :)
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Hit Me Baby One More Time
For those that have known me since my college years or attended my bachelorette party or wedding, you know that I was a Britney Spears fan. It seems like just yesterday that I was dancing at 511 (my college house) to "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and that was nearly 10 years ago. Believe it or not, since then Britney and I have followed somewhat parallel paths...we were both married the same year, had our first babies the same year and our second babies weren't too far off. And as I was sitting at Susan's Special Needs shop, I realized that very soon I would have one more thing in common with the pop princess.
My doctor had warned me that my hair would fall out "like clockwork" on day 14. On day 13, I still had no sign of the impending hair loss and for a brief moment naively thought "maybe I will be one of the lucky few." As I thought that I wondered if that is what everyone else thinks on day 13 and then the next day they wake up without their hair. Sure enough, when day 14 arrived my hair started to fall out. It wasn't like I woke up and all the hair was on my pillow, but I could see it coming out more than usual in the shower and when I brushed my hair. No one else would notice, but I noticed. Day 14 was also the day I had my chemo port put in. It was one of the days that no matter what-I couldn't avoid the fact that I have cancer. The majority of the time I try to live life as normal as possible and I go to work, come home play with the girls and talk to Ben about our day--and we never discuss the cancer. I prefer these days because I don't want to waste my valuable time dwelling on the fact that I have cancer. Wednesday, I couldn't stand that the realization of the cancer was back. I had just had two weeks off from chemo and for about a week I was feeling 100% again. Now, I was losing my hair and going in to have a port surgically attached to a vein so that it would be easier to administer the chemo and everyone was talking about the cancer. After I woke up from the sedation I told my mom that I wanted to go shopping. I hate wasting time and going home and staring at a TV was just not what I wanted to do. So I convinced my mom that I felt great and could walk through the Village of Rochester and go in a few stores. I had no pain in my arm because of the IV pain meds so I went into a few stores and then we went to lunch (I hadn't eaten all day) and then we headed home. When I got home, the pain had finely hit and only then did I realize that I probably should have come straight home, but honestly if I had to do it all over again I would have done the same thing. I don't want to feel like cancer is slowing me down or taking time away from me. (I quickly recovered from the pain and I went back to work the next day and had a big weekend of ballet class, hosting a parent group party and picking out our Christmas tree.)
By Friday, it was clear to me that my hair loss was dramatically increasing and would become noticeable to others very soon. Plus, it is a little disconcerting to see so much hair falling to the ground every time you run a brush through it. Instead of letting my hair continue to fall out and wondering when I would wake up one morning and have none, I decided to take matters into my own hands and go and get it shaved off. I had made an appointment the day before at Susan's shop (Susan is also a breast cancer survivor.) I was confident that I was making the right decision and as I was sitting in the chair and facing the wall, I felt empowered-like I had finally taken the control away from the cancer. As she shaved my head and I saw the long strands of hair fall to the ground, I didn't think about the 29+ years that I have had long hair (except for when I was in 2nd grade and told the stylist I wanted layers and she gave me a pixie cut--I was traumitized and vowed I would never let anyone cut my hair short again), I thought I wonder what my head will be shaped like or if I would have any scars or imperfections on my scalp. The stylist said I am surprised how strong you are being, many women cry when they go through this. I didn't think I was being strong, but when she said it I realized I didn't have the attachment to my hair that I thought I would. I wasn't sad to lose my hair. In fact, I was a little excited because I couldn't wait to see what I would look like. And as I whipped my chair around to look in the mirror for the first time-I actually liked what I saw. No I didn't have my long locks, but when I looked in the mirror I saw a fighter and a survivor with a perfectly round head and no scars! I felt like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane and it made me feel stronger than ever--no one would mess with me now. I could finally understand why Britney shaved off her hair. After she shaved my head, she put the wig on that I had picked out a few weeks earlier and I loved it. It's shorter than I have ever went, but I wanted something different and I figure it would be less maintenance and less drastic when my hair starts coming back.
As soon as I got home Ava said "Mommy, I love your haircut" and Kalyn ran into my arms and I breathed a sigh of relief because as everyone knows kids always tell the truth. And then, life went on as usual....
My doctor had warned me that my hair would fall out "like clockwork" on day 14. On day 13, I still had no sign of the impending hair loss and for a brief moment naively thought "maybe I will be one of the lucky few." As I thought that I wondered if that is what everyone else thinks on day 13 and then the next day they wake up without their hair. Sure enough, when day 14 arrived my hair started to fall out. It wasn't like I woke up and all the hair was on my pillow, but I could see it coming out more than usual in the shower and when I brushed my hair. No one else would notice, but I noticed. Day 14 was also the day I had my chemo port put in. It was one of the days that no matter what-I couldn't avoid the fact that I have cancer. The majority of the time I try to live life as normal as possible and I go to work, come home play with the girls and talk to Ben about our day--and we never discuss the cancer. I prefer these days because I don't want to waste my valuable time dwelling on the fact that I have cancer. Wednesday, I couldn't stand that the realization of the cancer was back. I had just had two weeks off from chemo and for about a week I was feeling 100% again. Now, I was losing my hair and going in to have a port surgically attached to a vein so that it would be easier to administer the chemo and everyone was talking about the cancer. After I woke up from the sedation I told my mom that I wanted to go shopping. I hate wasting time and going home and staring at a TV was just not what I wanted to do. So I convinced my mom that I felt great and could walk through the Village of Rochester and go in a few stores. I had no pain in my arm because of the IV pain meds so I went into a few stores and then we went to lunch (I hadn't eaten all day) and then we headed home. When I got home, the pain had finely hit and only then did I realize that I probably should have come straight home, but honestly if I had to do it all over again I would have done the same thing. I don't want to feel like cancer is slowing me down or taking time away from me. (I quickly recovered from the pain and I went back to work the next day and had a big weekend of ballet class, hosting a parent group party and picking out our Christmas tree.)
By Friday, it was clear to me that my hair loss was dramatically increasing and would become noticeable to others very soon. Plus, it is a little disconcerting to see so much hair falling to the ground every time you run a brush through it. Instead of letting my hair continue to fall out and wondering when I would wake up one morning and have none, I decided to take matters into my own hands and go and get it shaved off. I had made an appointment the day before at Susan's shop (Susan is also a breast cancer survivor.) I was confident that I was making the right decision and as I was sitting in the chair and facing the wall, I felt empowered-like I had finally taken the control away from the cancer. As she shaved my head and I saw the long strands of hair fall to the ground, I didn't think about the 29+ years that I have had long hair (except for when I was in 2nd grade and told the stylist I wanted layers and she gave me a pixie cut--I was traumitized and vowed I would never let anyone cut my hair short again), I thought I wonder what my head will be shaped like or if I would have any scars or imperfections on my scalp. The stylist said I am surprised how strong you are being, many women cry when they go through this. I didn't think I was being strong, but when she said it I realized I didn't have the attachment to my hair that I thought I would. I wasn't sad to lose my hair. In fact, I was a little excited because I couldn't wait to see what I would look like. And as I whipped my chair around to look in the mirror for the first time-I actually liked what I saw. No I didn't have my long locks, but when I looked in the mirror I saw a fighter and a survivor with a perfectly round head and no scars! I felt like Demi Moore in G.I. Jane and it made me feel stronger than ever--no one would mess with me now. I could finally understand why Britney shaved off her hair. After she shaved my head, she put the wig on that I had picked out a few weeks earlier and I loved it. It's shorter than I have ever went, but I wanted something different and I figure it would be less maintenance and less drastic when my hair starts coming back.
As soon as I got home Ava said "Mommy, I love your haircut" and Kalyn ran into my arms and I breathed a sigh of relief because as everyone knows kids always tell the truth. And then, life went on as usual....
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